Being a Dad

Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative

“You've got to accentuate the positive

Eliminate the negative

Latch on to the affirmative

Don't mess with Mister In-Between”

(Johnny Mercer / Harold Arlen)

This is all about focus, as parents we have the choice – focus on the positive or focus on the negative. First of all this requires us to realise and acknowledge that our children have good points are bad points. Once we have realised this we need to decide which to focus on.

What we must recognise is that whichever we focus will then become more prominent at the detriment of the other.

So if we focus on the negative aspects of our children's character or behaviour these will be seen more and more. The inverse is equally true, focus on the positive behaviour and the negative decreases.

I have seen this work with my children and while discipline is necessary I try to remember to focus on positive behaviour. So, just as I was typing this my son – who should be going to sleep – was making noise and running about.. So, he gets told off but there is more focus on telling him how good he is at going to sleep and asking him to show his Daddy how good he is at it. This praise and encouragement is much more enjoyable for him to hear and it inspires him. Surely this is much better than a frustrated telling off. I know I enjoy this more and the results are far better.

This week try to live out this principle with your children – accentuate the positive to eliminate the negative.

Know the map!

With the Ashes coming up people all over the world will be looking for some boundaries but I'm not concerned with 4's and 6' tonight. I'm talking about making sure I children know where the line is; the metaphorical line needs to be more real. Just as countries have very real boundaries that should not be broken so should children. Children and parents need to know the map.

As we mentioned before children need to discipline. But for discipline to be effective children need to know what the rules are. For discipline to be effective parents need to know what the rules are. Discipline doesn't have the correct effect if it is purely reactionary.

In our family there are rules for behaviour, things that our children know are wrong. There is also a process for discipline so that we don't simply react to a situation. As an example of this my children know that drawing on the walls (or furniture or anything other than the paper) will result in them having their painting and drawing things taken away for a week. This is a clear boundary, it was clearly communicated and it is clearly understood. We mentioned previously the importance of following through on stated actions and this is vital here. The boundary must clearly set and then it must be clearly enforced. Children need this and appreciate it.

I used to help run a youth group (11 – 14yr old) and we had boundaries that were clearly communicated. There was one young lad who pushed the boundaries to see if we would enforce them as we said we would. We did; the relevant punishment was given – he was taken out of the group for a while – after the youth group finished he thanked me for following up on my word. To him it let him know that I was good to my word, that there were no empty threats.

The tip for us as parents is to make sure that the children know the boundaries and what will happen if they are broken but also that we as parents know the boundaries and are prepared to follow up when they are broken.

Next week we will be following this up with how to help the child stay in the boundaries – accentuate the positive to eliminate the negative. Until them have a read of this article – it challenged me.

Family is not a democracy

A strong statement I know but one I stand by; family is not a democracy.

This should be held in contention with the statement that family is not a totalitarian dictatorship.

So, what is family? Well, as we've discussed previously there is an element of team and each member has a role to play. What I am concerned with tonight is the role of the Dad in family.

The dad is the leader of the family. It his job to guide the family. This means that as Dad you have the final say on what happens, on what decisions are made. The lesson I have learnt is to listen first. As in business or any other walk of life you get all the facts before you make the decision. Family is the same.

Whatever decisions need to be made I make sure I have all the facts. Some of those facts come from me, most of them come from my wife and children..

To say Dad makes the decision doesn't mean you listen and do your own thing regardless. That's not leadership. You listen and make the decision that is best for your family.

By taking the time to listen first the family get on board with the decision you make.

So this week make sure you lead by listening.

Some New Ideas

I'm going to take a break from the previously listed set of topics to talk about a few things we've started doing recently as a family and how they are helping us out. So it's real hands on stuff this week.

Here's the list of things we've started doing recently:
1.Solo Time
2.More parental planning
3.Friend fun
4.Family film night

Solo Time
This is where each child gets to spend time on their own with either Mummy or Daddy or both. In the case of it being both parents the other child has some solo time with the grandparents.

So, recently my wife and daughter had a fun morning shopping and getting coffee (if you haven't discovered babycinno's head to Costa this week) while me and my son went to the marina and the train museum.

The key to making this work is realising that it is not about the activity or where you might visit it's about enjoying the time you have. For us it works nicely to have just a couple of hours like this before we come back together for lunch and then do something fun in the afternoon. Or together in the morning and solo time in the afternoon. Though I'm sure as the children get older we will make solo time a longer activity.

More Parental Planning
This sounds obvious but we had noticed this slip. We've had weeks where the weekend rolls around and we have no idea what to do. This is no fun for he children and a nightmare for us. So, making time to think about what to do – even if it's just before bed on Friday night means that Saturday is a smoother experience.

I know there are weekends when jobs have to be done, shopping has to be got and the house and/or garden need to be tidied. When we have those weekends we try to plan in some time where we all have fun together – planning in some ways of making it fun for the children. One example of this is a trip to the coffee shop when out and about or finding ways that the children can help with the task. I've noticed how much children love to help out with household jobs. We should encourage this – it will set them up for later life.

Friend Fun
My daughter is just reaching the age where she likes to have friends over – just her friends without their parents. We've built up some good relationships with her friends parents and are happy for her friends to come over and we are happy for her to go to her friends houses. This extra bit of independence shows we trust her and gives a little bit of freedom in which to grow.

Family Film Night
This is my personal favourite and the kids love it and talk about it all week.

Every Friday night we eat pizza in front of the TV and watch a film together. There are so many great kids films out and it's a fantastic way to relax together at the end of the week. Give it a try – you're sure to love it.

So, what have you tried that's new? Let us know what works well in your family.

Danger! Expectations

Expectations – kids live up to them

Image from http://www.mspmentor.net/2010/05/13/setting-expectations-time-for-msps-to-get-back-to-basics/

There are 2 types of expectation that I am concerned with – long term and short term. The basic principle remains true – set expectations for your children and they will aim to live up to them.

“It is better to aim at perfection and miss, than to aim at imperfection and hit it”

Thomas J. Watson

This is true for our own lives and there are many other quotes like this but it is also true of what we expect for our children. In fact even more so, children generally live up to expectations – so best not set them too low.

When it comes to the long term expectations there are two components that we must remember. Setting the expectation is only one of them. We must do what we can to help them realise it. The danger with long term expectations is that we project on to out children what we want them to become. I am not talking about career choice or anything quite that specific. For example, I expect my children to get the best education they can. To that end I will encourage them with their school work and help them to make good decisions along the way. Now, my children are very young so at this stage I help them to get a grasp on the basics of numeracy and literacy.

The short term expectations are slightly different, these generally refer to behaviour and attitude to others in a given context – certainly with young children, please post your thoughts if you have older children. I have noticed that when I worry about my children's behaviour I start to expect the worst and generally that is what I get. I've also noticed that when I am relaxed and confident that they will be brilliant then they generally are.

Having seen this in operation I openly share my expectations with my children. I will say things like “I know you are going to be a super star today” or “You're going to do really well, I can't wait to hear about it.”. These encouragements before the event make the child feel happy and let them know what is expected and more often than not they live up to the expectation.

It was seeing this short term principle at work that led me to think about the longer term.

So as you think about your children's future consider the expectations you set – set them high and then help as much as you can so that they get there.

“If you aim at the sun they might hit the stars.”

adapted from Phineas Taylor Barnum

Don't Bear a Grudge

'Bearing a grudge, me? Surely not?! ' we say with mock horror for deep down (or maybe not so deep down) we know that we are prone to bearing a grudge.

Think about it for a second. Someone at work does something to upset you, someone in your life may wrong you, the cashier may short change you, there may be an incident from your childhood – like when my sister broke my radio controlled Lamborghini Countach – I am over that, honestly I am. Things that we never forget, things that we never really 'get over'. Some are trivial some are serious but a grudge is a grudge.

The thing about grudges is they way you down, it's hard work carrying them about.

When it comes to being a Dad a bearing a grudge is actually the opposite of loving your child. Sounds harsh but love keeps no record of wrongs. Bearing a grudge means keeping a record – that's not love.

Recently my wife and I have had an incident where a one of our children drew on the walls and on an original painting. We were very cross. Now, we've covered discipline previously, we've covered saying sorry but here we needed to know how to accept that apology.

We have forgiven our child, we will get the painting restored and we will mention it no more (OK, it may come up in a wedding speech one day!). This is hard but, if the relationship is to move forward it is essential. We all start on a clean slate again.

The beauty of this is that it shows the child that while there is punishment for wrong doing there is real forgiveness.

How can we make sure we don't bear a grudge? Here's a quick list of things we do:

1. Don't talk about the incident after it has been dealt with

2. Don't carry the wrong doing from one day to the next; tomorrow is a new day. The punishment may last a number of days – removing painting things for a week for example, but this was decided on the day of the offence not later.

3. After the apology we always say 'I love you'. This is a positive end to an otherwise negative experience.

This is hard and I know I can get it wrong, but hopefully my family won't near a grudge!

Welcome Back

I've taken a bit of a break from this for the past few weeks – well most of the summer really. This has really been to make the most of the fact that my wife has not been heading out on a Monday evening and partly because we've been away as a family quite a bit. Now life is getting back to normal I should be able to get into posting more often - hopefully once a week again.

Over the next few weeks I've got some good things lined up for us all:

• Don't bear a grudge

• Expectations – kids live up to them

• Family is not a democracy

• Boundaries

Those are the headlines, here are the teasers.

Don't bear a grudge

Sounds obvious right? It should sound obvious but we'll look at some examples and how we can make sure we don't bear a grudge.

Expectations – kids live up to them

When we expect our kids to behave well they generally do, when we expect them to be a handful they often are. We're going to look at this principle for the short term and the long term.

Family is not a democracy

Democracy may be the best form of government available to us but it's no good for families. We'll look at how families work and who has the authority.

Boundaries

What's appropriate, should they change, when should they change. How do we determine what the boundaries should be. These are some of the points we'll be considering together.

If there is anything else you would like to discuss or consider then add a comment and I'm sure we can look at it together. Remember this works better if you join the conversation.

Check it at the door

It should by now be obvious that I try to keep work and home life separate. The interesting question is how – how do you ensure work stays at work and that home stays at home? How is this done in a positive way.

First of all I want my children to know that I go to work, that work is good, that it has challenges and that it has rewards. So, what I am not saying is keep them apart and never the twain shall meet.

Any kind of work has an impact on your home life and any kind of home life will have an impact on your work. But a level of separation is important. What is that level and how is it maintained?

At different stages of life and career I have found different ways of doing this. When my wife and I were first married we used to do all the 'unloading' from the day in the car on the way home. This meant that when we got home work was truly finished. Since starting the family my wife has been a full time Mum and so we haven't had that commute time together and for a while I worked from home so there was no commute time at all.

Nowadays I generally cycle-commute which gives me plenty of time to work through what happened and make sure I'm ready for being at home when I get there. I still like to share about my day so if there's been a funny story I tell the children and at some point during the evening I will talk to my wife about the day. Very often she helps me get the perspective I need. She also has lots to tell me about their day.

We find that tea-time works well for sharing about the day and I try to make sure I hear more about their day then I they hear about mine – after all there's 3 of them and 1 of me.

The final rule for me talking about work is to get it done and move on. Any conflicts or difficulties will be discussed briefly and then left for work. Sometimes there are larger problems that have a greater impact – staff turnaround, financial cutbacks these sorts of things have a large impact on home life and so more discussion is needed but that discussion is generally about what we as a family do about it.

Leaving work at work is an obvious thing to do but the other way round is also important. There are fun things from my family that I like to share in the office – amusing tales form the weekend that sort of thing. But, anything serious is not discussed at work. This means that when I am at work I can focus on work and do a good job.

In order to make this separation a realistic possibility I have found it essential to get time with a close friend who I can share with and who shares back – a mutual support relationship. This then keeps it in a place of seeking and giving advice – it remains positive. My wife knows this happens and knows the person well, his wife is a good friend to my wife and our children get along well. Having support in this way helps to gain perspective and ensures that my actions are accountable – I share openly and when necessary I get challenged frankly – as you can see this needs to be a 2-way street.

So, to summarise this mad rambling:

1. Work is for work

2. Home is for home

3. Make sure there is some agreed space at home for sharing about the day

4. Find a good time for a family catch up on the day

5. Make sure everyone gets involved

6. Get some support from a close friend you can trust

The upshot is that when you are at work you are ready for work and when you are at home you really at home. Your boss will appreciate it and your family will love it!

So, how do you achieve a good life-work balance? Post a comment, get involved and we can help one another.

Summer Fun

Before I delve into it I should say that once again I don't have all the answers and I'm hoping some of you will have some great suggestions too.

What to Spend?

It's very easy to spend money, even when you don't have it it is easy to spend it but it's far more important to spend time. As a family we try to plan to do something fun every weekend. Some weekends that is all day some it's only an hour. Sometimes we spend money doing it but most of the time we don't. Here's some sunny weather tips:

1. Picnic in the park,

2. Explore the local woods or fields

3. Go for a walk

4. Visit a National Trust property – great idea if you already have membership

5. Head to the beach

6. Have friends round for a BBQ and all bring something to eat or drink

7. Museums – most major cities now have fantastic museums with lots for all ages and most of them are free.

Most of these can be done without incurring extra cost and children love it. These are also useful ideas when you are on holiday. The big trick on holiday, especially with older children is how to avoid squabbles.

Avoid the holiday blues

The one story I hear a lot is that going on holiday is stressful – everyone wants to do something different. This shouldn't be a stress, this is a great opportunity. When I was growing up we had this exact problem – squabbling in the caravan over what to do each day. The solution was simple. Everyone wants to do something different so let everyone have a day in charge. My sister and I would each get to pick what we all did as a family at least once during the holiday. This meant no need to argue – it also meant we all shared in each others interests.

There were some practical pointers in this. When we were young there was a set list of possible options to choose from, as we got older a budget was set. Remember it's about spending time not money. I appreciated the fact that my mum, dad and sister were all happy doing something I loved and in turn I loved sharing in their passions and still do.

Be Prepared

Whilst never a boy scout I understand the value of being prepared. My wife and I plan the holiday options in advance. So for the time we are at home – most of the school holidays, there are options that she knows about for sunny and rainy days. When we go away we research the area before booking to make sure there are plenty of options and then we can plan accordingly having enough sunny and rainy day options.

So, what are your top tips for having summer fun? Remember it's about spending time not money and these tips are good all year round!

Dress for Success

It's an age old saying – dress for success. The idea that the way we dress affects our attitudes and the way we behave. I've always found that a bit odd in the working environment – I don't feel any more productive in a suit – in fact in my line of work I feel more productive dressed casually. Recently, however, I have come to see some truth in this little phrase.

Allow me to elaborate. I've always thought that when going out on a date with my wife that I should dress nice – make an effort. Surely that goes without saying. But it applies to spending time with my kids. Different activities require different dress sense. OK, this sounds daft so far but stick with me.

The other day we were heading out to the park, the park in question has lots of water fountains to play in. So, with that in mind I wear clothes that I'm happy to get wet, happy to get dirty and that will dry quickly. The result of this is that when we get to the park and the kids are all set to go and play in the water I can join in too. It's really about dressing to join in.

Sometimes, 'joining in' means dressing smart. I remember as a child having school performances that my parents would come to. It really mattered to me that they dressed nice for it. It was a bit of a running joke in our family but behind the humour was an air of seriousness. I remember that now as a Dad and think about how to dress for school performances, birthday parties etc.

This sounds really silly but it really helps. I'm not encouraging my children to be come aware of other peoples opinions but rather ensuring that I can join in with them with whatever they are doing.

So, next time you go to the park make sure you are ready to join in with the fun your kids are having.